Toxic positivity. What is it exactly? Are we all guilty of it? Our guest Whitney Goodman answers all these questions!

Defining Toxic Positivity

When most people hear the term toxic positivity, what comes to mind is a list of phrases of things we shouldn’t say and things we should say instead. Yet that’s only part of the whole story.

A quick lookup in the dictionary will describe toxic positivity as the dismissal of negative emotions and response to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy.

Toxic positivity is a cultural force that tells us that we should be seeking happiness all the time. If we don’t have happy feelings, we must be doing something wrong, or we need to change something about ourselves or our lives.

For instance, if you have a wonderful family, a house and a car, you feel like you have no right to complain or feel unhappy. You might even hear things like, “other people have it harder than you, or you don’t know how lucky you are.”

When Does Positivity Become Toxic?

It really depends on the topic, the audience and the timing. You need to ask, “Does positivity fit here?“

If you go into like a restaurant and it is written good vibes only on the wall, it’s not toxic to want that to be fun, positive and up lifting. Now, if someone comes to you and they’re crying because they lost their job or are dealing with infertility, meeting them with positivity might come off as dismissive. In such a case, it turns into toxic positivity rather than helpful positivity.

What Do You Say To Someone Who’s in a Tough Situation

There’s a silver lining, or we have to look on the bright side. We are all guilty of jumping in with such statements when talking to somebody going through a difficult time.

While it seems like the normal thing to do, is that what you should be saying?

First, it’s important to point out that whenever someone gets that urge to use toxic positivity, it’s usually coming from a good place. They genuinely want to be helpful.

However, you should try to offer validation or seek understanding instead.

Offering validation would involve saying something like, “I hear you. That sounds hard. I can only imagine what you’re going through. That’s a tough thing to be dealing with.” You are trying to acknowledge their situation instead of trying to fix it.

Seeking understanding means trying to get a feel for what is uniquely happening with this person. Even if we’re going through the same thing, we probably feel it very differently. So ask questions like, “What’s the hardest part for you? What are you the most worried about? What can I help you with?“

Take time to talk about what they’re going through because that’s what a lot of us are really looking for.

In fact, nine times out of ten, we know how to fix the situation or what we need to do. We just want to talk, vent, feel heard and validated.

For instance, here’s one of the ways I respond when someone vents to me. Twenty years ago, I might have been uncomfortable or tried to fix it. Today I just express that I feel honored that they chose to trust me and share something vulnerable and personal.

Where Did Toxic Positivity Begin?

When you truly think about it, it seems like happiness is built into our constitution and culture. During the formation of the United States, we had Calvinism, which had somewhat of a doom and gloom outlook.

So to get people excited about the workforce, a rebranding was necessary. This was accomplished by using positivity. Statements like God wants you to be happy. God is positive or positive people succeed were woven into religion. These slowly morphed and moved into all other areas of life.

Today, it’s the same stuff today, just repackaged in a different way.

For instance, you have something called Predatory Wellness. Sara Ahmed calls it Happiness Scripts—if you lose 10 pounds, if you get married, if you’re rich….the list is endless.

In the modern age of social media, it’s become easy for anybody to become an ‘expert’ and be given a platform. Imagine one of them comes and says, “Hey, I’m going to teach you how to do it. Then you’ll be happy for the rest of your life.”

But does it actually play out that way? First, whatever they are trying to teach is attainable by only 1% of the population, and even these people are not necessarily happy. Often, what happens is that most people are left in debt, with jeopardized health or with broken hopes.

Genuine Optimism vs. Toxic Positivity

You can be an optimistic person and not engage in toxic positivity. Despite writing a book on toxic positivity, I’m quite optimistic!

I’ve done this by creating space for everything at once. I’m free to admit that I’ve had tragedy in my life, or this pandemic was really hard. I can say that I don’t like how X is going in my life, and I know things can change. Even if they don’t in the way that I want them to or don’t know exactly what that will look like, I can have hope.

Rather than seeking things to cancel each other out, you should try to be in the middle ground.

However, this can be a tough call, especially when the area that’s seems not to be working out revolves around the most important relationships in your life.

This is where we are going to be most prone to use toxic positivity because we’re highly invested in the outcome.

For instance, as a parent, there’s pressure to want to make your kids happy. It’s easy to become so hyper-focused on that emotion that you diminish the value or susceptibility of any other feeling. That’s where many of these statements come from: Don’t be sad about that, or Everyone loves you.

It becomes all about being positive instead of just acknowledging that your child or partner is hurting. How can you be in this with them and try to relate to them where they’re at?

For instance, what do you do if you have a child currently going through college applications and they have to deal with rejections? How do you navigate that?

Most parents will try to convince their kids that it’s okay; things will work out or something along that line. But you forget that you are an adult. When you look back on your life, things like rejection make sense. But a teenager doesn’t have as much experience.

They don’t know what it’s like to get rejected, and things still work out.

The reality is getting rejected sucks. It hurts. So you should validate that and just let them talk about it. I think we’re fearful that if we do that, they will get stuck there or get more depressed.

But I can tell you that people who feel like they have to silence their emotions or be happy for people will feel infinitely worse than the people who get to talk about it.

How I Deal With My Emotions Without Turning To Toxic Positivity

I’m a new mom with a seven-month-old baby. So you can bet I’ve woken up feeling like I just want to put the sheets back over my head and go back to bed. More than once, if I might add!

Typically what I do in such situations is to start by validating how I’m feeling. So I’ll say something like, “I’m exhausted, or I really don’t feel like doing this, or It was a really hard night.”

Then I tell myself, “Okay, I have to take care of my kid. I have to get up. I have to do this.” The next step is looking for a way to get my head back in the game. That usually involves finding something that I can do to make myself feel a little better.

For example, I might take a shower, eat something or plan to take the baby somewhere. I’ll also try to find someone I can vent or talk to, which usually entails a call to my mom.

The last thing I do is give myself permission to revisit it. If I’m still feeling frustrated as I move through my day, I’m quick to admit that it’s okay. If I need to go back to this feeling, I can call someone and vent about it again.

Another example is when I was promoting my book. I remember I had a lot of days whereby I cried, felt bad about it or was bummed about the results.

Many people don’t like talking about when they’re feeling bad. It’s just always a focus on feeling good. Yet, we have to talk about and show those parts because otherwise, what will people do when they find themselves in similar situations?

Many are left questioning themselves. Why am I not as happy as everybody else? Why am I feeling this way? Then that triggers a feeling of panic, which only makes somebody feel 10 times worse! That’s how they end up asking, “Why should I even bother? I can’t keep up!” That’s what toxic positivity is doing to people.

Resources:

If you are a coffee drinker, Four Sigmatic, a wellness company that is known for its mushroom coffee, is something you have to try. And you get exclusive savings that you won’t find on the website. Here’s the link or go to: www.foursigmatic.com/fff for 40% off!

For women who suffer from any of the broad range of peri-post menopausal symptoms and who want safe and effective non-drug solutions check out Bonafide Health. Use the CODE: FEARLESS at checkout for 20% savings at Bonafidehealth.com

Better Than Gossip Website (betterthangossip.com)

About Speaker:

Whitney Goodman is the radically honest psychotherapist behind the popular Instagram account @setwithwit and owner of The Collaborative Counseling Center, a private therapy practice in Miami.

She’s also the author of Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real In a World Obsessed With Being Happy. Her work has been featured in tons of publications and programs, including the New York Times, Teen Vogue, New York magazine and Good Morning America, just to name a few. She currently lives in Miami with her husband and son.